Today, I will ... (4-20-24)

 April 20, 2024   6:38 a.m. 
Got up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across ... well, some of that is true. Got up and did a mild amount of vacuuming. Put on clothes. Considered water, food and "Why?"  I am neither hungry nor thirsty. It's just training combined with "something to do". When I grew up if one looked busy, including with a meal, one was less likely to be yelled at or worse. Even watching television or playing a game could be an excuse for not engaging in more work, at least some of the time, but working on artwork, writing, reading, making something, sometimes not even cooking, got that job done. 

I enjoy cooking, but I have a hard time doing it. Same with painting, writing, reading, etc.I have trouble not eating or playing games. I just realized all this. 

Well, today, I am going to see how long it takes me to start eating or drinking. That is, I will try to remember to asess my actual need and see how far the logic of "But, you aren't actually .." prevails. What is my stopping point?  A feeling of a need combined with a lessening of that full, inflamed feeling in my gut at minimum. And/or if my sister offers to buy us something wonderful. Or, if it reaches toward evening and I want to finish my salad before it goes bad. 

8:53 a.m.  
Had a change. Earlier there was some gas relief. Quite a lot, at one point and it was quite hot and a little humid. It was an ill wind that blew no good, except for the goodness of leaving my body. Just now, though, I felt a loosening of some sort. Started having a desire to go make coffee, have food, etc. To the point I was going to get up and start doing that. 

I reassessed and realized I am definitely not hungry, my gut still feels inflamed, I am not even thirsty. So, I stopped myself and decided to write here, instead. I can feel small changes in my gut. Like it is finally waking up and beginning the process of clearing things away. I am not sure how long it has been asleep /knocked out, though, or what did it, this time.  I just know it is deifnitely getting more feeling of movement and more pain, feeling less like a numb, but still somehow painful, block of do nothing. 


This is something I sent as PM's to a friend:  

"Hmm .. you know .. I saw this video short a while ago:  https://youtube.com/shorts/ws7z3D5IFwk?si=CRQTRmYAbvZuHn9 "

"Now, I am watching this one:  https://youtu.be/DVx0aE_4O4c?si=AFNLMoBs4uTHNiko  

Today, I prayed to Jehovah God to help me not waste my time but if there are videos with information that I could use which would really help me to enter into his peace better- or omething like that- then help me to see that they are worth watching. Then, (name omitted) said something to me in a comment that led me to look for the first vid I posted at you, and that led to me finding the second one. In the second one, the woman says something about any disease is the body's cry for help and what if, instead of trying to shut down the symptoms, we honored it by listening to it.  I have to listen to that part again. But, it occurred to me that I don't think I ever approached praying about it in that way before. I am not even sure how to start, but I started thinking of how one talks to Jehovah God about listening to one's own bodies needs and that's something worth writing about.  "

I have, before, linked litening to my body with learning its natural ways of experiencing hunger and thirst and with recognizing symptoms and how they get better or worse with food. I have accepted that stress causes symptoms and then builds up in the body to cause more. I just never fully put it together that listening to my body is the way to relieve the stress and the trauma, by honoring its needs. 

Many times I have suppressed anger,  the reaction to pain, fear, sorrow, hearbreaking loneliness ... no wonder my body is a mess. Look at what I was eating! 

11:14 a.m.  

I finished eating around 6:30 - 7 p.m. last night. So, at around 14 hours in to not eating, that's when I felt the first big clue that my gut was thinking about working. Now it's about 16 hours in and its still not really started up.  I feel no hunger, just mild disturbance that is obviously going to increase in intensity. I am not thirsty yet, either. I felt like I was going to be, but instead there was coughing up of phlegm and an increase in saliva.  I've had some ..okay, it felt like suddenly the inside of my nose was peeling and then quite a bit of stuff needed to come out that was a bit like only partially set rubber cement. I feel more energetic, alive, human and capable than I did up until about a half hour ago. 

11:23 a.m. 

Oh boy! Here we go! The first feelings that I was always told are hunger. Why do people think that? Why would pain, discomfort and feelings of illness /weakness mean hunger?

 I guess I could see why, now that I think about it.  I remember people saying things like "Put food in your belly before it eats itself."  If you think you are nothing but an evolved animal of little worth because you evolved by chance and are still evolving to a better form, I guess that makes sense. As a creation of Jehovah God, though, you have to know that he did not make you in that stupid of a fashion.

I have experienced true hunger. I did not know that is what it is called. I did not know that it was actually the only hunger there is. I knew it as desire, being "turned on" as in feeling very aware, alive and able to run, hunt, observe, think ... It's lovely. It is strong and it made me wonder if this is where I panic and steal food. No. That's when you are chronically experiencing the false hunger which is really semi-revival from a poisoned state and the addiction that goes with wanting more of the poison, again. 

I never panicked during my brief time in true hunger. I only experienced it the once and that was after a good long time of an odd sort of intermittent fasting (also, without knowing that's what I was doing) followed by a dry fast (didnt' know) and then breaking that with a water fast. So, I got to experience long term intermittent fasting, without weight loss but with some increase in muscle versus fat. Or, maybe there was some weight loss but not enough or fast enough to notice. Then,  the "fat melting away" that people who fast sometimes say they experience, which happened after the dry fast was broken by water and then I was fasting on water for a short while, and then true hunger that came after much fat melted very quickly over the course of a few days. 

I want to feel it again but I shy away. I have come to realize that this is almost certainly due to everything good being ruined, stolen or otherwise taken away from me. Even if I enjoy it for a little while or get it partially back, its not the same as really getting to enjoy whatever it is. So, there is my big reaon for being fat, even though I have the ability to change. 

I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know what to do if I mess up on what I am doing or how I am doing it. I know everything .. except how to not sabotage myself so I won't experience the pain of losing what I have gained. 

That' why, write now, today I will ... sit here and write, and do other thing, then write some more. And, in that way, without having any plans except to distract myself, I will be too busy to make too many mistakes. 

I weighed last night. 282.0.  I have not measured my waist in a long time and am not going to do any measurements until I have to. I already know all the bad news reasons why things might suddenly swell up so I don't need to document that anymore. I do need to know if things are going well but I can tell more about that by how my clothes fit and I how feel more than any other way.

In 4 minutes, it will be noon and it will have been approx. 17 hours since the last time I ate anything. More like 15 for drinking water. 

Ended up eating about 4 15- 4: 45 p.m. including rice, chicken and candy for dessert. Oh, wait, about 3 p.m. I ate a sample piece of candy. So, that's when the fast stopped. 

On to the next day ....